Health and Wellness Department
by Kwahzutah
Summary: What happens when the infamous madwoman of Shinra's Science Department is put in charge of SOLDIER'S health? Warning; Yaoi, dancing squirrels, and mice having square dances!
1. Giggle materia and Marmelade

Disclaimer:I do not own Final Fantasy or it's characters. If I did, it would be a yaoi paradise.

-------------------------------

Rereindaela hopped up and down in her bus seat excitedly. Finally! Shinra had finally accepted her appeal for a health and wellness department! She had worked seven years in the Science Department, gotten disgusted with Hojo, and worked two years in the Materia Department. However, she knew how important SOLDIER was to Shinra, and the Science Department taking care of their health seemed like a catastrophe waiting to happen. So, she had made her appeal, and they had conceded that she was right. She was currently riding the bus to the company;most of the things she would need in her department had already been moved into her area. Of course she would be the head of it, it was her suggestion after all!

She was twenty-one years old. She had long mocha brown hair, always in a low ponytail, olive colored eyes, and lightly tanned skin. She was not skinny, but not extremely fat; she had a tiny tummy that she called "pokeable". She was of little height, about 5"3, and capable of making extremely retarded facial expressions. Her clothing today, and most likely from now on in her new department, was a sleeveless turtle-neck white shirt, knee length white skirt with two inch slits in the side, and white ankle boots with no heels whatsoever. Also, since it was a little cold, she had on a completely unmatching plaid jacket.

The bus pulled in front of her destination and Rereindaela hopped (literally) off, waving at the other passengers, whom she did not know. She pushed the glass door open, precariously balancing her briefcase and coffee in one arm. Other executives who knew her stayed clear, including those who only knew her as "The crazy girl that invented giggle materia". To tell the truth, it had been rejected, but she still carried the prototype with her. That's why her briefcase was so heavy. That, and the Legos.

She entered the elevator, saying hello to the other passengers. She was very friendly, but people seemed to look at her funny, which she didn't get at all. You just didn't push away kindness.

Her boots clicked agains the floor of the long hallway, and she stared down the door with "Health and Wellness" written across it. She glared, then smirked, then stuck her tongue out. With a deep breath, she finally opened it and stepped through.

"WHAT!?" Rereindaela's jaw dropped. Her department had a front room, and three rooms attached, which she would use for patients, because nobody else wanted to work in here. But, all the furniture she'd asked to be brought in was in the front room, all over the place.

"I can't believe this..." She muttered "I'm gonna hafta organize all of this myself! Stupid Turks, I bet it's their fault!"

This was another crazy thing. Every time anything went wrong, she always blamed it on Turks. It was not for any reason, Reno had absolutely nothing to do with it; Rereindaela had never even met a Turk before. You can compare it to how people are always blaming the government.

She sat her coffe and briefcase in a corner, and did the jelly dance real quick, to warm up. Then, she opened the door to one of the other rooms and tried to figure out how to fit one of the three twin sized bed through the doorway. She decided on moving the matress first. She tried to pick it up. The stupid thing wouldn't budge.

So she had her hands stuffed beneath the matress, straining to pick it up, face screwed up in frustration when someone entered.

"Umm, is this a bad time?"

Rereindaela turned, still bent over, to ask "Huh?" She looked the newcomer over. He had shiny black hair, tropical blue eyes, and a confused expression. He was definitely good looking.

"I was supposed to start coming here at 8:30 to have checkups, from the head of the department. Is that you?"

She still didn't bother straightening up, hands still beneath the matress. "Yes, that would be me. I'm Rereindaela."

He furrowed his eyebrows cutely. "Rerayn-Rereau-Re"

"You can just call me Dae."

"Oh, thanks! I'm Zack, by the way. Zack Fair, a hero in the making!" He struck a pose, hands on hips, grinning at a spot on the ceiling. "Are you having trouble?"

She finally decided to stand back up, grinning back. "Uh, yeah! Everything hadn't been put where it should go." She turned her head to the side, muttering to herself. "The damn Turks did it...Turks need to stop tracing me...Swear they planted...tracking device....shower...."

He scratched the back of his head, confused. "Would you like some help?"

"Yes, that would be great!"

She showed Zack where everything was supposed to be, lending a hand where she could. When everything was in it's proper place, she collapsed at her desk. Zack hadn't even broken a sweat, and he was the one who actually did the work.

"Okay, I guess it's time for your checkup!" She gasped, wiping her forehead.

Rereindaela stood. "Please follow me." All business now.

He followed her to one of the other rooms, and she gestured for him to sit on the bed. The thing about her workspace was that it had a homey sort of feeling; she didn't want people to be uncomfortable.

"How are you feeling lately?" She put a hand to his forehead to feel his temperature.

"Normal."

She crossed her arms. "I've a suggestion for you. Would you like to hear it?"

Zack was still grinning; he hadn't stopped. "Yeah!"

"Get more sleep. It doesn't show very obviously, but you need to stop moving so much and just rest."

"Where did you get that?"

"It's a talent." She blinked a few times, staring. Just plain staring. Then her phone rang. She held up a finger, telling Zack to wait a moment.

"Hello?......Oh, hey mom.......yeah, they took the idea...yeah, I get to be in charge....uh, I'm working ........Yes, I wore the outfit you picked out...Er, actually I _did_ wear the 'disgusting plaid jacket'......No, I did not throw away the giggle materia...Or the yaoi fanfiction....I love you too....Bye!"

She closed the cell phone, huffing. "Finally! Mom is so annoying!"

Zack cocked his head to the side. "What was that about giggle materia and yaoi fanfiction?"

"I'll show you the materia, but not the fanfiction. Unless you want to see it?"

The poor guy didn't know what he was getting himself into when he excitedly nodded, and the short girl led him back out. She plopped down at her desk, flicking open the snaps on her briefcase, and lifted the lid.

An odd assortment of items greeted the eyes. There were a bunch of neatly stacked papers, a yellow orb, legos, and a plastic bag full of water with a goldfish swimming around inside.

"Oh, hey, Marmelade! Sorry I left you there, I just forgot about you!"

Zack, laughed, plucking the orb out. Olive eyes stared at him as he casted it. A girlish giggle left him; he soon began to giggle hysterically. That's when the phone decided to ring.

"Mmmyellooo? Health and Wellness Department!"

"This is General Sephiroth. Doctor 'Swimmy', I require your presence in my office."

Heh, Swimmy was the fake last name Rereindalae had given to join Shinra. How did Sephiroth know that she'd made it up? Damn Turks!


	2. Staring and Mice

"Who was it?!" Zack demanded with a grin.

"The General wants to see me. I bet those Turks told him!"

"Told him what?"

"Er-nothing...."

Rereindaela(aka Dae) scratched the side of her head as Zack continued to giggle. "I have no idea where his office is..."

Zack bounced up and down. "You said something about Yaoi fanfiction?" He naively asked.

She furiously scratched her left leg, cocking her head to the side. "I'll let you read it if you show me to Sephiroth's office."

"Okay let's go!" He skipped out the door, and she copied him, chanting in a whisper. "_Monkey see, monkey do, monkey give it back to you."_

It took a few elevator rides to make it to the correct floor, the soon they were walking towards a glass door. It was extremely creepy, because The Desk was facing it directly. Dae had never seen the general in person before, but she knew that the guy at the desk was him. It was reeeaaaally creepy; Sephiroth was staring straight into her eyes, not like the "Oh goody love at first sight" kind of thing. Just plain, monotone staring. The entire walk down the much-too-long hallway they both watched.

Then she ran into the glass door, falling on her butt. Just her luck.

Zack waved at him, then said to her "I'll wait out here in case it's private."

Dae stood, dusted off the abused behind, and entered the office, sitting in the chair in front of the desk. She hadn't been invited to sit, but she really didn't care. Like she was going to stand up while being fired for a fake last name. And yes, that's what she believed was happening.

The silver haired man barely supressed a sigh conaining an "Oh no, not another one" vibe. "Do you know why I've called you here?"

The short girl widened her eyes as big as they could go, showing her teeth in a ridiculous manner. "Which one toldja? And, Mr. leather, just know that since you're firing me, I'll be living in that alley full of teensy grey mice. I hope you're happy with me starving because I hate cheese, and that's all those fellas have! And next time you're drinking your fancy champagne, I'll be in that alley, at the little square dance they have every Saturday night, without a dance partner, just like _every freaking week! _

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. The girl was clearly insane, but perhaps that's what they needed around there. Or maybe Hojo was right in kicking the infamous madwoman out of the Science Department. Even though she argued that she'd become disgusted, nobody was fooled.

"Which what told me _what_?" He asked in a brisk way. "I merely wished to give you a friendly warning."

She froze. Dang, she'd given away her little grey friends. She only hoped she'd be able to warn them before Shinra destroyed their happy way of life.

"What warning?"

"You will be treating _my_ SOLDIERS. I expect you to be more careful with them than your own mother. If you make so much as one mistake, I'll be dealing with you _personally._"

"Umm, okay?"

"You may leave."

Dae rushed out the door.

"What happened?" Zack asked.

"Nothing, he just told me you are my mother."

The sad part is, that's what she thinks she heard. The two returned to her office, where Zack was subjected to all that is Yaoi.

"You wrote this?"

"Yep."

Dae expected Zack to freak out, but what happened next freaked her out.

"That story was hot."

"WHAAAT!" Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Are you gay?"

Before he had a chance to answer, someone else entered the room.

"ANNNGGGEEEEAAAAAL!!" He screamed throwing his arms around a muscular neck.

"Hey puppy." The handsome man answered, _kissing Zack on the mouth._


	3. Thermometers and Idiots

Dae flared her nostrils, putting a hand on her forehead, eyes wide. The light orange walls around her seemed to hold dancing squirrels.

"So what was the verdict?" Angeal asked coolly. Geez, you'd never know he and Zack had just kissed; the guy spoke in a complete monotone!

They ignored Dae and Zack went on to say "I need more sleep."

"You do. Don't forget how often I catch you playing video games at midnight."

The brunette turned and looked out the tall window to give the men some privacy. Not that it helped any; she could still hear them. Nonetheless, she opened it and leaned out a bit. The streets far below were busy, cars in a traffic jam and people abundant.

"Ooooh, look, a dog!" She whispered. It was a cute border collie, all ginger colored with long hair. It sniffed at a fire hydrant, wagging it's tail, and ran downwards in Dae's vision. She had to lean over further to keep seeing it, and lean over she did. Then everything flipped upside down, the floor disappearing and her head spinning. Her face hit a wall of stone and her nose gave a sickening crack as her arms flailed wildly.

Then she realized something had a painfully tight grip on her right ankle and looked up, expecting to see the devil staring down. After all, Dae had committed so many fan fiction sins, going to hell wouldn't be much of a surprise. Especially when her demise had been falling from a health department.

Instead, the man named Angeal was staring down at her, holding her ankle as she swung in the air for a few moments.

She shrieked. Since she was upside down, her skirt had succumbed to gravity, revealing chocobo panties to the entire universe, life stream not excluded. She gripped the hem and jerked the skirt back up.

Angeal was scowling. "You?" he growled. "They are trusting _you _to take care of our health."

For a horrifying second, Dae's chest tightened and she thought he would drop her; he seemed to hate her. But he jerked her back into the room as she wailed "Noooo, my panties have been revealed!"

She flopped onto the floor, eyes directly in front of Angeal's shiny black boots. She could feel Zack's perplexed gaze.

"What's wrong with Dae?" Said madwoman dutifully remained on the floor.

"She belongs in an asylum."

Hey, that was not nice! At least she wanted to help people! Dae decided that Angeal was a poopie anyways.

"Are you ready to be examined?" She asked meekly, rising in an absurd manner; she tried to make it look like a dance. Not wanting to place herself in further peril, she stared at a shiny spot in the center of his forehead. Well, it was logical to her; meeting his eyes would anger him more, right?

"Fine." He rumbled "But I'll be watching you."

Oh…Now if that wasn't as creepy as her and the general's hallway-staring campaign, nothing was.

Then she caught their eyes on her nose.

"What?"

"Your nose." Zack answered slowly. "I think it's broken. There's a lot of blood." Although, Angeal didn't really looked like he cared, in fact, Dae thought she could detect nonexistent smugness in his stare. She touched her hand to her nose, wincing, then pulled her fingers away. A thick red liquid covered them. Then she shrugged.

"Oh well." She turned to Angeal. "Please follow me."

"Stay out here. You know I don't want you watching me during _any _kind of medical examination." He told the smiling guy sternly. How anyone could treat the happy-go-lucky SOLDIER so strictly was beyond comprehension.

Dae gestured for him to sit on the bed any pulled out a thermometer. Like she was going to touch Poopie's forehead.

The black stare was nerve wracking. She could practically feel it burning holes in her flesh as she pointed the thermometer towards his mouth. Her hand shook, and she thought she could feel herself sweating as she pushed it in. She aimed to put it snugly beneath his tongue, but it slipped and went down his throat.

"Shit!" He choked.

"Oh my god I'm sorry!" She screamed, waving her hands around while Angeal put his on his throat. Dae stuck an entire hand in his mouth, then yanked it out.

"You idiot!" He yelled. "How on earth does somebody do something like that! I _said_ you were dangerous!"

Poopie turned and threw the door open. Zack immediately hid some of the fanfiction behind his back. "What happened?"

"We're leaving." He firmly grabbed hold of Zack's hand and walking out slamming the door. Dae could hear the voices fading, but caught a distinct "Damn, that's hilarious!"She rubbed her forehead. Well, that was just dandy! Her cellphone rang yet again, and she answered it.

"Oh, hey dad...No, I swear I don't look at gay porno on your computer...Are you sure it wasn't you?...........I'm way more intelligent than that, I delete the history.......Yeah, I'll tell Marmelade you said hey....No, I don't have a dance partner for this Saturday.....Well, _everyone_ can't have a sexy squirrel as a dance partner; Sorry to be such a disappointment!"

Dae turned and ran smack into someone. He was wearing a red outfit almost identical to Sephiroth's. Keen eyes mirthfully narrowed as he snorted.

"Who.." He snickered "On this planet..are you talking to?" Then he pointed at her nose. "What happened to you?"

She covered it with her hand. "Who are you?"

"Genesis." He put a hand over his heart in a sweeping gesture, dramatically reciting a string of nonsense.

"Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess. We seek it thus and-"

"What?" Dae breathed, squinting.

Genesis paused, taken aback. "Loveless, Act I. The most amazing piece of literature. I find truth in it, I find perfection hidden among it's pages." He gave her a smug look.

Her eye twitched. She had absolutely no idea what a book had to do with truth. They call them _li_braries for a reason. Or so she thought. However, she crinkled her nose to say.

"You're an _idiot_!"

His jaw dropped in surprise. "What?" Genesis seemed to be frozen in place, completely unmoving. He slowly said "No one's ever said that to me before."

Dae covered her mouh with a hand. She hadn't expected that to come out. That's what happened when her brain didn't screen what was about to leave her mouth.


End file.
